Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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