just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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