i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
