You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
