When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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