dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
