Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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