she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize