the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
