I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
