A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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