this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
