You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize