yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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