his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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