I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
