Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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