people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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