do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
