I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
