Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
