My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize