Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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