my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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