I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dear god my vagina.
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