Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize