your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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