Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
