so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
why do cheetos always look like penises
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
