Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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