Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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