Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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