She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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