i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can text with my tongue
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
