I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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