I'm going to jail i love you
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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