U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
