I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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