I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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