It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he shaved USA in his pubs
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize