she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The adults are the big ones right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
