how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
