Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
