He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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