youre lurking in front of me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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