He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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