It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
