i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
