Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
