wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize