remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
