at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize