I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
