i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
