sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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