dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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