just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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