ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
only you would photoshop your dick
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
And then he peed in my hair
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
