She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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