she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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