i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize