yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
