my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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